Lately I have been doing a lot of reading from many who are suffering through the battle of infertility. Each of these women describe their feelings with meaning and purpose. Some describe feeling like they are a failure because they cannot do what their bodies were created to do, some describe feeling like they are letting their husbands and loved ones down, and still others describe the feeling of no control, that fertility is not within their control. Hearing all these women communicate their feelings in their writing, I began to examine my own emotions and thoughts about infertility. The only problem was there weren't any. I don't feel like a failure or like I've let anyone down or even still I'm not driven crazy by the lack of control.
I feel hurt.
I feel a deep black hole devoid of any emotion beyond sadness and bordering on numbness.
Now don't misinterpret this. This feeling doesn't consume my life. I am no longer in a state of depression and can carry on, actively participating in my own life. However, if I stop, only for a moment and begin to dwell on the situation of no baby, this sort of blackness envelopes me.
I am continually praying that if for whatever reason, God chooses to never give me another child He will take away my hurt and fill it with His unfailing love. I know He wants only the best for His children and I accept that. I just need His comfort, His grace and love to fill me...overflowing, abundantly. I have the utmost confidence that the Man who died on the cross to save me has compassion enough to ease my aching burden. If I focus on that, a glimmer of Light fills that blackness, breaks through the pain and makes it bearable once again.
And that is how I feel about my inability to conceive. It can't be wrapped in a single package or confined to a single sentence. I don't know if even makes sense to anyway one else but writing it, expressing it, brings me one step closer to understanding it and moving beyond.
Until next time, may Christ's love and blessings be upon you and yours.