Friday, May 4, 2012

Mountains and Valleys

Today is a valley kind of day. I wanted to appreciate the beauty of this valley. The beauty that comes from suffering. But today it feels like there is no beauty that will come from this. I have been strong for several months now. Focusing on other things. Enjoying life for what it is. Today, I broke again. I don't like the person I become when these moments hit me and I don't feel like faith can keep me afloat any longer. Four years have passed and still I have not received comfort from my Father. I have prayed for it, sought it out and yet nothing. This valley is dark and empty and even though I know there are others here, they are hidden. I was okay with our decision to post-pone/not do foster care. I thought that maybe God had something more fitting for us in store but yet here we are still. I try to remain thankful for the many, many blessings I have received but sometimes dwelling on these things is just not enough. I don't know how to overcome this. I have seen/heard testimonies of many women who have suffered through PCOS and came out triumphant, child in their arms. I want to believe that God will open my womb, bless me with something so beautiful, I really do want to believe it. I don't. I blame myself, maybe God is punishing me. I know it sounds so unrealistic but in times of distress reality doesn't matter. I don't know why I am writing this on such a public forum. Why I write these posts for everyone to see. I think maybe because I want others to know they are not alone, although knowing what I know, I don't think it matters. Maybe it's because I am hoping someone will say just the right thing that makes me realize it really will all turn out for good. I am waiting desperately on God to give some kind of verbal or visual affirmation that things are going to be okay. You know that moment when someone says something so profound and penetrating to your heart you know it was the Holy Spirit using them. I need that kind of revelation. I hope that someday soon I will rise once again out of the valley if only for a little while. Until then I will try to find some beauty, any beauty in the suffering.

Until next time, may Christ's love and blessings be upon you and yours.