Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 
Look full in His wondrous face,
And the things of earth shall grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Such a well known song, such powerful lyrics.

In the time since I have written we have taken some steps in our infertility journey. Last month I took Clomid (a hormone that stimulates ovulation) for the first time. I am not sure what prompted me. At the time, I truly believed that it was our next step defined by God but after much prayer, many tears and another failed cycle I realize that it was simply my fleshly desire to hurry God's plan along. Today I am at a point that I don't know what God's plans for us are concerning children. It has been a really long couple of years and I am tired. 
Someone recently posted a YouTube video of Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus on Facebook. As I listened to the lyrics God starting working on my heart, telling me that my focus had turned so much upon having another child that I was no longer looking upon Him. I had made a pure and wonderful thing, the blessing of a child, into an idol; into something that spawned jealousy and pain. 
It is now time for me to set my mind on things above, not on things of this earth (Colossians 3:2). I am deciding to look upon His wondrous face and endure sufferings here on earth with a joyous heart. 
Joyous heart? That's right. This doesn't mean that I am happy, that have forgotten all about having another baby. It doesn't take away all the pain and I can't guarantee that I'll never shed another tear over the matter. But what I can guarantee is that I will be content, that I will understand and embrace the concept that all of this suffering is leading to greater things. Things from above. Things that are better than I could have ever imagined. I trust in my God, although it is not always easy to relinquish control I will do it. I lay my life plans in HIS hands to do as He see best. He knows the whole picture, He knows of things to come.
 A biological child?
Foster care? 
No more children at all?? 

I don't know how life will play out but I know I will not be alone. He is by my side. 

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. -Deuteronomy 31:8

Until next time, may Christ's love and blessings be upon you and yours.