Amidst my hours and hours of internet research and reading on PCOS, I have found that is very common for infertile women to blame themselves for the problems within their bodies. Until last week, I did not fall among these women. I had my head on my shoulders, knowing for a fact that it was all in God's control, there was nothing I could do to fix the problem and on and on. I was so glad I did not think it was my fault...ugh! I hate when I start to get a haughty attitude! God has a way of handing us over from time to time to our ugly behaviors. About a week or so ago I got clobbered with a big huge rock with the words blame all across it! Wow does it hurt! I can't stop thinking about the fact that if I could just lose some more weight maybe my fertility would come back, if I could eat this way or that maybe it was help me ovulate, maybe if I wasn't so lazy, if I could motivate myself to get off the couch THEN I could have a baby. No matter how hard I try to go back to not feeling any blame it just keeps coming around again and again. I am a huge believer in personal responsibility in all aspects of life but had never accepted any for my current situation. Now it's raining down on me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change all the things that I have control over. I don't know how to get motivated! Even my spiritual life feels dry. This battle is a never ending swim upstream.
My apologies to you women out there who have felt blame and I have perturbedly thought: "Why?" "How could you feel guilty about something you have no control over?" ... Now I know. Now I know.
Until next time, may Christ's love and blessings be upon you and yours.