Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wondrous face,
And the things of earth shall grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Such a well known song, such powerful lyrics.
In the time since I have written we have taken some steps in our infertility journey. Last month I took Clomid (a hormone that stimulates ovulation) for the first time. I am not sure what prompted me. At the time, I truly believed that it was our next step defined by God but after much prayer, many tears and another failed cycle I realize that it was simply my fleshly desire to hurry God's plan along. Today I am at a point that I don't know what God's plans for us are concerning children. It has been a really long couple of years and I am tired.
Someone recently posted a YouTube video of Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus on Facebook. As I listened to the lyrics God starting working on my heart, telling me that my focus had turned so much upon having another child that I was no longer looking upon Him. I had made a pure and wonderful thing, the blessing of a child, into an idol; into something that spawned jealousy and pain.
It is now time for me to set my mind on things above, not on things of this earth (Colossians 3:2). I am deciding to look upon His wondrous face and endure sufferings here on earth with a joyous heart.
Joyous heart? That's right. This doesn't mean that I am happy, that have forgotten all about having another baby. It doesn't take away all the pain and I can't guarantee that I'll never shed another tear over the matter. But what I can guarantee is that I will be content, that I will understand and embrace the concept that all of this suffering is leading to greater things. Things from above. Things that are better than I could have ever imagined. I trust in my God, although it is not always easy to relinquish control I will do it. I lay my life plans in HIS hands to do as He see best. He knows the whole picture, He knows of things to come.
Adoption?
A biological child?
Foster care?
No more children at all??
I don't know how life will play out but I know I will not be alone. He is by my side.
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. -Deuteronomy 31:8
Until next time, may Christ's love and blessings be upon you and yours.
